Throwing Up, Kid-Style

Here’s something they don’t tell you before you have kids. It’s not covered in the childbirth classes.

For the first three years of your child’s life, the place he or she is the mostly likely to throw up is on YOUR bed. When you are in it. Probably asleep, or half-asleep, so you can’t get out of the way in time.

Here’s how it works. Small Child wakes up in the middle of the night because he feels crummy. When he feels crummy, he always goes to tell Mom (Mom being a generic term here which could also apply to Dad). Small Child gets out of bed, walks into Mom’s room, walks right up to Mom’s sleeping head, and says, “Mom, I feel (GAGBLAHPUKE)."

Small babies, of course, can not walk into Mom’s room and possibly can not even climb out of their own beds. Still, before they can walk is the stage when you are the most likely to have them sleeping with you because they’re sick and you want to keep an eye on them, so the same principle applies.

They always manage to hit every cover and at least one pillow, so multiple loads of laundry ensue.

I know this applies to families besides ours, because I overhear comments. One of the kids in my daughter’s preschool class announced the other day that, “Ethan threw up on my mommy’s bed, right on her hair."

The kid books talk about stages like talking, walking, and being potty trained, but there are lots of other milestones that no one ever tells you about. My husband’s sister Cathy used to talk about how great it was when her kids got old enough to take their own showers.

I personally welcome the “No more diaper bags" stage and the “No more strollers" stage—it’s like an unexpected gift that first summer when you realize that the kids are old enough to walk around the zoo on their own and you don’t have to wrestle the stroller into the back of the minivan (or pay the $7 stroller rental fee). Or pack diapers everywhere you go.

And then, of course, there’s the “Knows enough to go into the bathroom and throw up in the toilet" phase. Paradise.